Recollection...my Five loaves and Two Fishes

My day of recollection this year brings to mind my liaision with the "5 loaves and 2 fishes' ~ the experiences of my Mt Tabor Sabbatical last year.  It was there that I was totally elated and even humbled when I 'saw' that Jesus had changed my little offering into food for 5 thousand men [not counting women and children!]. The elation [consolation?] has lasted for some months...

At this point, I am beginning to realise that my contribution is still strictly only '5 loaves and 2 fishes'. Did  I think that it was my giving that caused the multiplication?? Did I expect more in return?? Did my pride inflate? Yes, Yes and Yes! But... God said no... very gently, but clearly and firmly! The multiplication is not mine to claim, to covert, it belongs to God!  That [reality] is hard to accept! My finite being expects, perhaps even demands that God gives me the extras and magnify my contribution! And, that's where I fall on my face, bruise myself and border on self-pity! 

Fall I did but God, ever gracious and patient, holds me up, reminds me that the '5 loaves and 2 fishes' I gave are still my gift and that it's not to be taken for granted.  I can still claim them and as such, still surrender them to God if I choose to.
So, that's the invitation now, a hard choice but honestly, it's one that I will choose to make ~ a choice that comes with greater awareness and less demands and expectations. I now make a choice that has no strings attached because I know with my head and my heart too now that even the '5 loaves and 2 fishes' are not mine to hold and keep.  I need to surrender all and know that in God's hands it is going to feed all who seek God.  I too will be fed with perhaps 'food' that I never dreamed of, but with food that will nourish not only my body but especially that of my spirit... and that food is priceless.
So, I have been 'educated' further into the ways of God. The Holy Spirit lit my journey and I am called once again, to offer my meager self in trust and freedom.  I am again called to let go of my rights and wrongs, my rational expectations and to choose the narrow path that leads to the Lord of Light.
May our loving Mother whose FIAT showed us the way, continue to intercede for this journey.